My Perspective on Being A Black Man in America!!!!
Have You Ever Wondered How It Feels To Be Black Man In America? Take A Walk In My Shoes!
My Perspective on Being a Black Man In America!
I usually don’t openly talk about my experience with racism because it is emotionally and physically overwhelming. My experience with racism also brings up a lot of anxiety. I want to give you 9 very vivid examples of my experience with racism. I must warn you, the situations, my reactions and the way I handled each are very raw. Essentially, I can categorize racism in specific terms. Imagine having a full time job in which you are working 40 hours a week. Now imagine having a second full time job moonlighting at night in which no one knows or cares. Racism is my second full time job. The nine examples I am about to share will help you understand what I face daily as I enter the world. I will be very specific in regards to categorizing the racism and discrimination I have faced: Personal, Systematic, Corporate Discrimination and Bystander Effect. I am also going to change the names of the racist individuals I faced.
1. Personal Racism--Year: 1996, Age: 20 years old :
When I was in college a group of friends and I were walking to a party. Some of the friends in that party were friends of mine since elementary school. One of those friends named David, had a little too much to drink and the alcohol became his truth serum. He called me a “Nigger.” In that moment, a lot went through my head. I noted that I had known David approximately 12 years. He had been to my house and I had been to his. I would have also said he was one of my good friends. In that moment, I reacted out of anger and hit him in the face immediately and proceeded to go after him. The good friends that surrounded us had a decision to make. They could either fall victim to the Bystander Effect or do what they thought was right. My friends chose to do what was right. They prevented the fight from ensuing and socially excommunicated David from ever having any dealings with the entire friend circle.
2. Systematic racism—Year: 1998, Age 22
During my master’s year in college, I was an intern in an elementary school in Gainesville, FL. During my private time with my interning teacher, Carol she told me that, “Black students do not learn at the same rate as white students.” Her views were also very apparent in the manner in which she taught black children in the classroom. I immediately addressed the matter with my professor Gail, who happened to be Carol’s boss. Gail passed off the information I gave her. In fact, she told me Carol would not say something like that. At the end of my internship, Carol recommended that I get a C as my internship grade. Carol had it preset in her mind that I was not smart enough to be in the program. A C would have put me on probation in the program. I took all the right steps in addressing the matter. I faced racism twice in this situation. Once by Carol and once by Gail. At the end of the semester, I received my report card with a C. It was no surprise because of what I was told at the beginning of the semester. I then made another phone call to Gail noting my displeasure. During that phone call I let Gail know that I was recruited into the college based on my minority status. I also let her know that it was a damn shame that I experienced the deep throws of systemic racism in the program that I was heavily recruited into. I also told her that I was not asking for anything other than fair treatment and a C was not what I earned. I also went on to let her know that I would write a letter to the president of the university, dean of the college and the local paper to let them know of my experience under her watch. She was adamant about not changing my grade. Within a few days I received an updated report card in the mail with a B. I guess she thought about the gravity of the situation and came to her own conclusion of what was right.
3. Personal Racism---Year: 2002, Age 26
This incident involved a customer while I was managing a Bank of America in Casselberry, FL. One Friday afternoon I received a complaint from a customer named Bertha. I proactively called her as she wanted to talk to the branch manager. She proceeded to tell me that those, “Spics should go back to where they came from because they are lazy and do a horrible job.” I proceeded to ask her in a professional manner what the ladies in the drive thru did to warrant her comments. She went on the tell me that they were slower than normal and they were sucking the life out of our country through the use of government assistance. I then asked her what color she thought I was. She said she thought I was white. I informed her that she was talking to a black man, who also happened to be running the branch in which she was banking. At the tale end of our phone call, I informed her that I would be closing her accounts and sending her a check for the balance in her accounts. I also informed her that she was no longer welcome at our branch. Bertha was ignorant on so many levels.
4. Systematic Racism—Year: 2003, Age 27
This was the year I was going to ask Annmarie to marry me. I did a ton of research on the cut, color and clarity of diamond I wanted to buy to propose to Annmarie. The racial incident happened while I was attempting to buy the ring at a franchised jewelry store in Altamonte Springs, FL. I was on my day off and was wearing regular street clothes (jeans and t-shirt). It should also be noted that I was the branch manager of the Bank of America office that handled the banking relationship for this jewelry store. As I entered the store I was not greeted. I eventually went to the counter and asked the sales representative, John to help me with a 1 carat solitaire, e in color and eternally flawless diamond ring. John told me, ”Sir, I do not think you can afford the ring you are looking at.” I responded by telling John that I managed the branch that manages the banking relationship for this store. I also went on to tell John that I was sure that his boss would be very disappointed that I would be closing their business relationship because of his comments. I also went on to tell John that I was just about to go get a cashier’s check to purchase the ring before his ridiculous comments.
5. Systematic Racism—Year: 2011, Age 35
Anyone that knows me knows my love of watching and playing basketball. At the time, one of my best friends and I used to carpool to play hoops. After dropping him home one Sunday evening, I was stopped by a police officer in his neighborhood. The police officer motioned me to pull over. I followed what I would call the black guy protocol when dealing with the police. I shut off the car, took the keys out of the ignition and placed both hands on the steering wheel. When the officer greeted me at my car he proceeded to shine a flashlight in my back seat and say, “What are you doing in this neighborhood?” From that moment, I knew where this situation was headed. I proceeded cautiously as he only asked for my driver’s license. I volunteered my insurance as well as my registration. You see, he did not ask for my registration or insurance because he wanted to verify that I had not stolen the BMW I was driving. I owned the car. When he came back to the car with my license, he let me know that he stopped me for speeding. That was news to me. I honestly thought the speed limit mirrored that of my neighborhood, which was 30 MPH. I was doing 34, so in my head I was doing 4 over the speed limit. The officer proceeded to say, “Mr. Dale, do you realized you have not had a speeding ticket in the State of Florida in the last 11 years. Well congratulation, I am going to be the first one to give you a ticket.” I took the ticket and called my friend, Tom who was a defense attorney. I gave Tom full disclosure of what transpired. Tom went to court on my behalf to fight the tiecket. He was surprised to hear what the officer had to say about me. The officer proceeded to tell Tom and the judge that I was menace to society and my license should be suspended. A $500 attorney bill and a paid speeding fine with no points later, I was on to the next issue in life.
6. Corporate Discrimination—Year: 2012, Age 36
This next incident involved my supervisor, Dan at a bank called M & I Bank. The company mandated weekly meetings for my particular division. Our weekly meetings were to be held in Sarasota,FL, which was about 2 hours from Orlando, FL. Under normal circumstances, my position would afford me either a rental car or the ability to have a virtual call. I was given none of those luxuries. However, my peers had the ability to choose either a rental car or attend the meeting virtually. My peers all happened to be white. I had enough and had a come to Jesus meeting with Dan. I told him what he was doing was overt discrimination and now we were going to address the matter with his supervisor. Once we had the meeting with Dan’s supervisor the matter got resolved and they offered to get me a black mentor who happened to be a corporate executive.
7. Personal Racism-- Year: 2015, Age 39
At the time of this event I was a private banker at SunTrust Bank. I was seeded a client who never met me in person until later in the relationship. The client, Rick was singing my praises until he met me in person. When Rick saw me in person, his whole demeanor changed when he realized I was black. In that moment, I wished that Rick had enough common sense to tell my supervisor he was not comfortable working with me. I was immediately on guard because I have been down this road before. I had to protect myself. True to form, this man did show his cards. Rick asked me to get on a phone call with his wife to set her up with online banking. This was a very easy task to handle. What tipped me off was the fact that Rick was adamant that I be the one to set his wife up with online banking where most clients know and understand that my assistant would be the right person for the task. In any event, I had a good understanding what was about to happen. I called his wife, with my assistant on the other line on mute. The call was very cordial, to the point and without incident. Immediately after the call, Rick called my supervisor to indicate that I was very condescending and said things of a sexual nature to his wife (whom I had never seen or met). My supervisor approached me and said the comments did not sound like me and could I elaborate. I told my supervisor that I would not respond to such ridiculous accusations, however she could speak to my assistant because she was on the call on mute just in case this happened. My experience allowed me to be one step ahead of this racist man.
8. Personal Racism—Year: 2018, Age 42
My wife and I have an interest in a condo in which I had to attend a home owner’s association (HOA) meeting. After the HOA meeting the president, Ben became so enraged and proceeded to follow me out to my car. In front of at least 6 other people he proceeded to tell me, “You people bring down the values of our neighborhood.” I guess he had a problem with a black couple having ownership in this complex. This story gets more interesting. Over the next several weeks he denied our ability to replace a severely damaged window our unit. In fact, I received a letter stating that we had to replace all windows in our unit and not just one. There are 8 windows in the unit including a large sliding glass door. I knew Ben’s request was not made the same of everyone in the complex. Based on the overt racism I contacted my attorney to address this matter. In fact, I took pictures of at least 11 other units, which had the exact same window replaced and some by the same company. After a few thousand dollars spent by us, the matter was laid to rest and we were able to move on and be treated equally.
Most folks that know me have come to understand that I am somewhat guarded and very private. I am also very laid back. Through my extensive dealings with racism and discrimination, I have developed an innate sense to sniff out a racist before he/she is identified as a racist. In most instances, I can walk into a room and tell you who has a problem with me because of the color of my skin. I can also meet someone for the first time and definitively tell they are racist. I guess you can call that a spidey sense of sorts. From what I have written, you may get the sense that I am severely scarred or jaded by the overt and senseless racism and discrimination I have faced. I have to give praise to God, my dad, my priest and countless other mentors who have walked me through each and every one of these situations to help guide me to the best possible outcome. My mentors have also reminded me to stay grounded and give everyone the benefit of equal and fair treatment even when I am constantly slapped in the face with inequality, discrimination and racism.
I have had to introduce my boys to some of the many situations I have faced. There was a really good CNN Sesame Street Special that talked about the events surrounding the George Floyd incident at an elementary level. I never imagined that I would have to speak to my boys about racism this early, but the status of race relations has forced my hand. The status of race relations has also made me very uncomfortable. In the last several months, I have relived every racist incident I have ever encountered. Revisiting each incident with fear of what may come has brought on a lot of anxiety. I had to dig deep to channel my strong team that surrounds me. That great team has helped me get past my trepidation and gain yet have another perspective on life. The new perspective is to have meaningful dialogue about my experience.
As I have indicated I carry a lot of grief, emotion and anxiety when it comes to racism and discrimination. I will continue to face it head on. I will not let one person slight me. I will always stand up for what is right, fair and just. I will also surround myself with good, honest, God fearing people. I will always have a second job, when others do not.
I chose to disclose all of this information to give you a glimpse of how complex my life has been in addition to my grief journey. For these nine stories, I have 900 others. Many, many families that you work with will have lives as complex as the one I have displayed to you. My ask is that you show compassion in whatever complexities you witness or come across. I also welcome healthy dialogue with regard to my journey. I understand that many folks may be uncomfortable asking tough racial questions. From my experience, the worst that can happen when you ask is the other person says no. The best thing that could happen is they say yes and you both learn a great deal of information. If you don’t ask the answer will always be no. One great empathetic conversation could benefit generations to come.
Be well and cheers!!