Are you in the Sandwich Generation?

Simply put, the Sandwich Generation is comprised of middle aged adults who are caring for both children and parents.  Their ages can vary, but typically mid 30s to 50s.  

There are usually complex emotions, family discord, little to no personal time, guilt, cultural expectations, etc. that make this a very complex situation to navigate.  

  I was part of the sandwich generation before the passing of my parents some 15 years ago.  I had extreme emotions stemming from my new role as the decisionmaker over my parents’ affairs.  I was very uncomfortable with being my parents’ parent.  I felt guilt, sadness, confusion and dismay.  I wondered how long this state of confusion was going to last.   I often pondered how I was going to juggle marriage, life, caregiving and my other commitments.  I quickly realized that there were so many things that were out of my control that I had to find a healthy place I could go to escape all of my new complications in life.  That special place was exercise.  In times of stress, I learned that exercising would free my mind and reduce my stress so I could go the next round.  Exercise also allowed me to recharge so I could continue dealing with my daily stress of caregiving.  I also realized that I could not balance everything.  I quickly acclimated to a constant state of reaction, which was totally contrary to my customary state of being.  I encourage any and all caregivers to find their special place that allows them to recharge.  It is very difficult to recharge as a caregiver, but it will benefit you in the long run.  I have also come to learn that there are a lot of resources available to help a caregiver recharge.  Some of these resources are respite, adult day care, pre-death grief counseling, children support groups, social support groups, grief literature, community resource referrals, pastoral care services and many more.      

I felt a lot of guilt because I wanted the whole situation to end so I could begin a normal life.   This constant roller coaster lasted nearly 8 years.  I have since learn that what I wanted was very common and not something in which to be ashamed.   In looking back, I felt very relieved that my wife and I were not caring for children and parents simultaneously.  I felt that I would have been placed in a situation to choose between my parents and children.  I know my parents’ would have advocated for me choosing my children first.

My outlook during the 8 year journey was that my parents set me up for success and I had no choice but to give them the best possible life for their remaining days.  My wife and I did this with great satisfaction, pride, sacrifice and financial commitment.  I would not have changed a thing and would have cared for my parents a thousand times over.  I also knew that I was young enough and would have time to recover emotionally and financially.  I poured all that I had into my parents and never looked back.  I also made decisions based on my current state and had no regrets after the fact.   

Since the first time I blogged about the Sandwich Generation I have found additional resources to help good folks like you.

I located a great article speaking about Caregiving and the Sandwich Generation.  Many of the items I addressed above in terms of family discord, cultural expectations, personal time, etc. are mention in the article.  https://mhanational.org/caregiving-and-sandwich-generation.

There is also a great article written by Helen Hunter, ACSW, LSW  called Multiple Roles: Handling the Guilt.    https://caregiver.com/articles/handling-the-guilt/    The article discusses the challenges and emotions unique to caregivers in the sandwich generation.  The article also gives caregivers permission to be human and to ask for help as it pertains to caregiving for parents.   

My advice is to seek help and guidance as you navigate your own "Sandwich Generation".

There is also a definitive financial impact for caregivers and their families.